A bride suffers through excruciating wedding photos with her “Twistie breath” groom and the pics will make you cringe. James Weir recaps.
Two more couples are admitted to the Married At First Sight nuthouse on Monday night but the spotlight is stolen by one of the original wives who crashes a wedding and almost makes her husband cry by publicly shaming him for never flushing the toilet.
Everyone’s so high maintenance on this show and they really have no right to be. None of them could get a date in the outside world so they should be grateful for what they’ve been given.
So he doesn’t flush the toilet? Big deal. One of the new brides tonight gets forced into posing for mortifying wedding photos with a groom who has Twistie breath. Unflushed toilets and Twistie breath. These are your options. Take it or leave it.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
In keeping with the show’s scientific practices, the experts press the big red button on Alicia Silverstone’s wardrobe computer from Clueless to match tonight’s new couples.
Mel Schilling gives us a little information about the first couple. “Kate and Matt are a more mature couple.”
Ugh, great. The token elderly couple. We knew it was only a matter of time before they zimmer-framed into this mess.
She’s 38 and he’s 39. We can practically smell the nursing home through the TV screen.
For years, Kate has struggled with self-esteem issues. It stems back to childhood.
“In high school I had boys come up to me and tell me I was ugly,” she tells us.
Matt, on the other hand, does not have self-esteem issues.
“I have the confidence to go up to anyone at the bar. I’ve approached celebrities at the bar and given them my business card. I’ll approach the knockout model at the bar.”
Aha. He’s that guy. We kinda wish producers just took him to random bars and filmed him accosting hot people with his business cards.
“I’m passionate. I’m touchy. I love a good kiss,” he shares with us. “I love a … a … a good … massage. And a good … sex.”
Mmm. Who doesn’t love a good sex?
The Married At First Sight ceremonies are always exquisite affairs. But today’s is extra special.
Picture this: Your dream wedding is about to get underway — and then the MAFS lunatics crash it.
Kate’s a nervous wreck in the moments before she walks down the aisle. So many questions and worries flood her head. But there’s one thought in particular that keeps popping back up: she wants desperately for the man she meets at the altar to look into her eyes and tell her she’s beautiful.
And then, like a scene from a movie, she meets him and he says just that.
“You look beautiful,” he smiles at his new wife.
She’s absolutely thrill-
“Physically, he’s probably not what I’d usually go for,” she wins to us. “I think I was more worried about him not liking me. I just never really thought about me not liking him. I wanted to feel it… but I didn’t feel it.”
But because contracts have been signed and television budgets have been spent, Kate is forced to follow through with the wedding. She looks super happy!
The wonderful thing about wedding photographers is they really know how to read the chemistry of a couple and capture the true essence of romance in a tasteful way. But that’s not entertaining for us to watch. That’s why the Married At First Sight producers pose as fake wedding photographers and make the couple as uncomfortable as possible.
The fake wedding photographers ensure Kate is put through hell.
The photos are stunning. Every single frame should be printed on canvas at Officeworks and mounted on the walls of their marital home.
“Darling, come closer,” he leans in and whispers in her face.
“You’ve got beautiful lips,” he whispers, rubbing her nose with the tip of his. “Sorry about the breath. I just had some chicken Twisties.”
Kate’s body jolts back in terror. And it’s understandable. Chicken is the inferior Twisties flavour.
Then there’s this beautiful moment where he strokes her head and she bristles.
By now, the fake photographers are just trolling Kate and tell her to sit on her husband’s lap.
“Like I’m Santa,” Matt pats his thigh.
Ugh, great. Now we’re imagining him pretending to be Santa while he’s having a great sex.
The love blossoming between Kate and Matt is more potent than Twistie breath, so we feel comfortable leaving them for a second to check in on tonight’s second wedding between Carolina and Dion.
Carolina is three hours late because she’s antagonizing her makeup artist.
“I actually hate my makeup,” she huffs.
“Oh?” the stunned makeup artist replies, taking a moment to adjust her funky hat.
But before the makeup artist can try fixing it, Carolina fires her and tosses her out of the motel room.
“I don’t like this makeup — it’s sh*t,” she storms into the bathroom to assess the damage in the mirror. “Oh my god, I look disgusting.”
She might not like it, but she’s just going to have to deal with it. The guests and groom have already been waiting an hour. There’s no time to-
“I’m gonna wash my face and start over again,” she twists the plastic handles on the basin and dunks her face under the sploshing stream of water.
“She’s doing it,” a gobsmacked cameraman whispers.
“Oh f**k,” a producer wheezes.
This is where we leave Carolina. We can’t be two places at once. Besides, the MAFS lunatics are already drunk and causing problems over at Kate’s circus.
By the time we arrive at the reception, Kate’s become so traumatised by the situation that she’s just checked out completely. Her body’s physically there but her mind’s not. I do the same thing when friends bring their babies to brunch. Kate needs some reassurance that she hasn’t made a mistake.
Dom takes it upon herself to impart some wisdom.
“Every day is a new struggle,” she groans to the regretful new bride before shooting her husband Jack a glance. “You’re learning something new about that person every day — whether it be he doesn’t put his clothes in the laundry. Or, he doesn’t flush the toilet sometimes.”
Jack. Is this true? Do you not flush the toilet?
Jack tries to change the topic but Dom’s really hung up on this toilet flushing stuff.
“It was twice!” she screams.
Ugh, Jesus, Domenica. It’s not that big of a deal. Just scrub it with Jack’s toothbrush to teach him a lesson like David to Hayley and then call it a day.
When Dom starts to notice her humiliated husband withdrawing from the group, she confronts him.
“Too much?” she asks begrudgingly of her behaviour.
“Yeah,” he squints.
She takes this as encouragement and proceeds to shame her husband more.
“Jack’s never made me a coffee and brought it to me in bed,” she screeches to everyone across the table. “Why are you looking at me like that?” she scrunches up her face when Jack shoots her a warning glance.
“It just doesn’t seem like you’re proud that I’m sitting here next to you. You haven’t said anything positive about me and … it’s pretty rough. I’m always telling people how amazing you are, and I just never get that.”
But Jack’s honest moment of vulnerability disgusts Domenica. She reacts like he just blew Twistie breath in her face.
“You know what Jack? It’s been really f**king hard. It’s been really hard for me. Alright? she raises her voice and waves an arm around. “And I know it’s been hard for you. But also, there’s gotta be a moment where we’re just like, f**k, we gotta just have a bit of compassion for each other and just help each other get through these moments.”
Jack stars ahead and blinks, wondering when his turn for compassion will begin.
“If you need some space, that’s fine,” she rolls her eyes at him. “But I really didn’t think I was making you feel like that. I’m really sorry, but also-”
“Just say sorry,” Olivia, the nice-girl-turned-mean-girl, interrupts. “An apology with a ‘but’ isn’t an apology, it’s an excuse.”
Hmmm. Interesting. Olivia dragged the right person this time.
Anyway, Kate is the only person at the table who’s grateful that Jack forgets to flush the toilet because it led to Dom causing a scene which stopped Matt from asking her if she’s keen to have a good sex.